On Choosing to be Single

Drew, Ciycay, Cami, and Hugh. To quote Nabokav "It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever ever sight." But like, I'm so f***'n tired. 

Hello readers, it's me and my deep thoughts once again. I genuinely hope at least one person on this planet benefits from the life lessons ingrained in these posts. A few days ago while I was indulged in the peace of drawing I thought to myself "What if I just intentionally stayed single until 2020?" I slept on the idea, dreamt of Hugh, and put the idea in the back of my mind for a while. Today I spoke the idea into existence and vented to a close friend.

"I spend so much of my time and energy reaching out to a Love interest, anticipating their response, memorizing their favorite things so I can make gifts later, dressing to impress them, doing everything I can to go above and beyond to prove how much I care and that I would take a bullet for them, desperately holding on to the hope that things will somehow magically work out. I could be using that time and energy to further my career, heal myself because I'm clearly not over 1-13, and focus on my friendships that I've been neglecting cuz you know me I disappear into the Jane world and do my hundreds of hobbies." 

I've come to the realization that relationships thus far and the way I've gone about them have been a double edged sword. On one end Love inspires me in every way imaginable. My art becomes more vibrant and feels alive, my singing voice is louder and I have someone to serenade and write melodies for, and I go to bed highly anticipating the next day. But on the other end of the sword I have this god awful habit of having expectations and when they're not met I'm prone to spiraling into a depressive state. I don't take rejection well and it's not healthy. I settle for far less than I deserve and cling to the past and I get over relationships by starting new ones. In the end I find myself experiencing varying degrees of sadness. At the end of the day what I really need is a dog, a therapist, and to learn to give to myself before I can go beyond plus ultra to woo someone else. 

I have shifted my thinking. Instead of looking at a cool place or planning a cool date idea and making a note to take a significant other there I'll make a note to take friends on that adventure or get the band together instead. Instead of hoping to experience cinematic romance I will hope to spark new friendships and live out memorable moments that I won't associate with an S.O. My world doesn't need to revolve around Love anymore. I'm sick and tired of being the girl that always has someone. That always chases someone. I'm starting to hate how much I relate to Janie from Their Eyes Were Watching God. 2019 will not be about my love life. I will not set #relationshipgoals. I'm going to finally heal from it all, marry my work, and overall be happier. When I do meet my next S.O. I will be financially stable, emotionally stable, have put myself out there, and my skin will be in significantly better condition. Good god. I will be a much healthier version of Just Jane. 

Morale of the story; Love yourself first.

-JustJane

"The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person-without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other because it is not given by the other."
-Osho 

Art, Writing, and Overall Mental Health Update

Hello readers it's been a while. A long while to be exact. If you're closely following me on social media you'll notice I won't post anything for a few weeks on end and then all of a sudden post a bunch of content all at once. It happens and I'll work to have a consistent schedule. Anyway these last few days I have been pursuing my passions in waves and becoming aware that art and productivity are an escape for me. Kind of like how drugs are a form of escapism. It's funny I say that as I slowly become more and more addicted to alcohol markers. 

What I mean by waves is I'll focus on one out of three different kinds of WIPs and vigorously work on it for days on end. A few weeks ago I was vigorously writing the J. and S. Adventures and then the past few days I've done absolutely nothing but draw concepts for my graphic novel project Momoka: The Pink Ninja. In the beginning of January I spent days doing nothing but practicing sewing and designing cosplays. My productivity comes and goes. 

Bulletjournaling has helped me realize the rapid fluctuations of my physical health. When I'm focused on a WIP and dive head first into escapism I eat two meals as opposed to three and the meals I do eat are either strange or just the same meal twice. This afternoon I had nachos and green tea. I've also skipped working out for several weeks. I'm struggling to balance maintaining my physical health with WIP productivity but I'm significantly happier. When my physical health was perfectly in check I was still weighed down by sadness.I stopped doing the annual happy jar because my 2018 jar was filled with memories of Ciycay and the romantic era with Hugh. I'm at a point where being reminded of the rose-colored romantic times still physically hurts and that's made drawing and writing romance excruciatingly difficult. Today however I was finally able to draw romantic scenes and write infatuation without being overwhelmed by numbness. 

Comic art, for me at least, is the ultimate escape from it all and I think that's why past Jane created so many self-inserts. Art has been both a coping mechanism and a passion all these years. In a way it's a form of healing. Same with writing. 

On the topic of writing I can proudly announce that I will indeed be releasing chapters of my manga Momoka: The Pink Ninja this year. Most likely in the summer. I've never formatted a comic for Webtoon before so that will be a new experience.

-JustJane

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."
-Pablo Picasso  

One Solid Week of Bullet Journaling

Hello readers we are officially one week into the new year. I've gone back to school and work and finding time for bulletjournaling has honestly been a struggle. However, I have learned a lot. 

For starters, listing what I'm good at. This page was mostly blank for the first five days. The term "good" felt very loose and the perfectionist within defined being good at something as mastering that skill. Lacking experience and being a student in some of those fields made it impossible to meet that standard. After a few days I forced myself to define "good" as "at least one step above amateur" Then I was easily able to really fill the page. 

I stepped back and thought about that experience for a while and realized how much of an influence my inner perfectionist was to my self-confidence. That is something I will have to work on this year. 

I've always known that my circadian rhythm was something to be desired. Seeing it visually mapped out on a chart filled me with a feeling of weirdness I didn't know how to put to words. At the same time there was something oddly satisfying about routinely coloring in charts. Can someone with a full understanding of human psychology explain this to me please?

Struggling with lowgrade depression was not a surprise. I was highly aware that I could go days feeling numb or overwhelmed with sadness and frustration that I couldn't find the root cause of. However, seeing the struggle mapped out in a colorful, creative, fashion also felt weird. I want the bright colors to outweigh the dark and I want to believe that I'm in an uplifting mood every day for the entirety of the day. That's not reality though. This week has been a struggle but the next one will be better. 

This page, like most of the journal is just oddly satisfying for me to look at minus the lack of actual bulleted paper. (When you're on a budget you've got to make do with what you have am I right?) 

There is something about the room for creativity in this hobby that sparks relaxation but also excitement. 

It brings about the joy I felt as a kid when coloring in coloring books but also inspires me to break into good habits like actually keeping track of my finances, being aware of my lack of self-confidence and mood swings, and tracking my workout routine. 

All in all I can rightfully say this has been one of the most zen hobbies I have ever gotten into. I'm eager to see how this next week goes. 10/10 would recommend. 

-JustJane

"Journal writing is a voyage to the interior."

-Christina Baldwin

Alright 2018 That's a Wrap

Two blog posts in a month? Wow, that's a first. Hello readers, it's been a while. I want to say you can start expecting regular posts every other Saturday but if you scroll all the way down this blog to its ancient origin you'll see the only consistency is a lack thereof. If you're new here hello and welcome to the interior of my brain. 

Recently I've been on holiday. Normally I would seek the opportunity to spend every waking minute working on something. Whether it be an art project, acquiring a new skill, a novel, an outline, plotting a manga, work for a client, etc. Instead I have spent mass quantities of time hanging out with my mom and her cousin, my sister and nephews, and my dog. Just kidding, I don't yet have a dog. Emphasis on yet. These past few days I've binge watched Sherlock and now my internal dialogue speaks with a British accent. I have also added meeting Benedict Cumberbatch to my bucket list alongside petting a chinchilla. I stopped fantasizing about meeting celebrities, becoming a paid comic artist, and coming into contact with adorable animals long ago but I recently had a wild revelation; I've spent years with my head in the clouds. Fantasizing about the less likely possibilities, rehearsing interviews with Ellen, Ted Talks with an audience familiar with my work, dreaming and scheming kept me believing. I was so much happier when I let my imagination run wild. Once I started only setting realistic goals, only focusing on what I could do with the skills I currently had, and seeing finances as a way of legitimate survival it became much easier to slip into hours of silence and misery. 

So I decided to let a few goals sound impossible. To dream more and allow my dreams to be outrageous once in a while. I firmly believe living both on earth and in the clouds will lead to a much happier life, for me. 

Anyway, 2018 has been wild and I swear each month my voice sounds completely different in these posts. All of which are dramatic nonetheless. That probably won't ever change. I know that as a person I've changed tremendously. In the beginning of the year I wasn't 100% sure what to do with my life, where to go from where I was, and how frequently my health was going to decline. Or how severely. Now I have fragments of a plan, my work has taken a different turn, I've put myself out there and started reaching out to an audience, and I feel much stronger. I'm not going to be "the quiet girl" anymore. Those days are over! 

As far as my health goes with the aid of bullet journaling I'm going to take better care of myself in 2019. For real. We'll see what happens I'll keep you posted. 

2018 I'm more than happy to leave you behind. However, I take the good memories and take them with me.

-JustJane

"It is what it is"
-John Watson 

So I Started Bullet Journaling

January is just around the corner. The "New Year New Me" meme is quickly approaching.  Time to convince myself I'll instantly change into the best version of myself and continue to grow and improve over the course of another 12 month. Real talk though, I stopped setting new years goals several years ago because I know each year entails a handful of heartbreaks, a major event, and at least six different hair colors. At least, that's how it's been for the past five years. Will this year be different? Will I actually post regularly and upload more than one youtube video every 6-8 months? I'm not going to lie and say yes. However, I will stubbornly hold on to the hope that this year will in fact be "my year". 

Anyway, to welcome the new year and the illusion of a better me I decided to branch out and try bullet journaling. I genuinely wish I had made this decision sooner. 

I don't know what it is but there is something oddly satisfying about filling a book with artsy pages like this. It fills me with a spark of accomplishment and fuels the illusion that I have this organized grasp on my life. At the same time the perfectionist in me is screaming and comparing my uneven lines to the picture-perfect bullet journal accounts on Pinterest and Instagram. How on earth does everyone make their handwriting look like legitimate font? Then again I'm using a blank sketchbook as opposed to graph paper. 

Anyway, I've added pages with charts to track my sleep and my mood throughout January in an attempt to combat lowgrade depression and insomnia. I made this conscious decision because near the end of the quarter and as of a few weeks ago I neglected my physical health and also allowed myself to become 200% emotionally drained. Hugh sat me down and explained that I'm the type of person who will give to others and feel worthless if I'm not able to do so. "You have to give to yourself." I proceeded to cry in response because that was absolutely true and someone had finally put it into words. 

From here on out self-care is a priority. For the entirety of last night I continued working on my bullet journal and turning to youtube and pinterest for ideas. I drew the line at using the journal for a planner as well because realistically I use planners for a few months, forget about them, and then use them when really important deadlines are about to pass. 

I'm excited to dive into this hobby and hopefully it will inspire me to establish a routine of good habits, a slightly healthier lifestyle, and continually de-stress. Shoutout to @thejournalwitch on Instagram. Your beautiful pages inspired me to get into bullet journaling. 

-JustJane

"Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

-Brad Paisley