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Saturday, February 23, 2019

On Choosing to be Single

Drew, Ciycay, Cami, and Hugh. To quote Nabokav "It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever ever sight." But like, I'm so f***'n tired. 

Hello readers, it's me and my deep thoughts once again. I genuinely hope at least one person on this planet benefits from the life lessons ingrained in these posts. A few days ago while I was indulged in the peace of drawing I thought to myself "What if I just intentionally stayed single until 2020?" I slept on the idea, dreamt of Hugh, and put the idea in the back of my mind for a while. Today I spoke the idea into existence and vented to a close friend.

"I spend so much of my time and energy reaching out to a Love interest, anticipating their response, memorizing their favorite things so I can make gifts later, dressing to impress them, doing everything I can to go above and beyond to prove how much I care and that I would take a bullet for them, desperately holding on to the hope that things will somehow magically work out. I could be using that time and energy to further my career, heal myself because I'm clearly not over 1-13, and focus on my friendships that I've been neglecting cuz you know me I disappear into the Jane world and do my hundreds of hobbies." 

I've come to the realization that relationships thus far and the way I've gone about them have been a double edged sword. On one end Love inspires me in every way imaginable. My art becomes more vibrant and feels alive, my singing voice is louder and I have someone to serenade and write melodies for, and I go to bed highly anticipating the next day. But on the other end of the sword I have this god awful habit of having expectations and when they're not met I'm prone to spiraling into a depressive state. I don't take rejection well and it's not healthy. I settle for far less than I deserve and cling to the past and I get over relationships by starting new ones. In the end I find myself experiencing varying degrees of sadness. At the end of the day what I really need is a dog, a therapist, and to learn to give to myself before I can go beyond plus ultra to woo someone else. 

I have shifted my thinking. Instead of looking at a cool place or planning a cool date idea and making a note to take a significant other there I'll make a note to take friends on that adventure or get the band together instead. Instead of hoping to experience cinematic romance I will hope to spark new friendships and live out memorable moments that I won't associate with an S.O. My world doesn't need to revolve around Love anymore. I'm sick and tired of being the girl that always has someone. That always chases someone. I'm starting to hate how much I relate to Janie from Their Eyes Were Watching God. 2019 will not be about my love life. I will not set #relationshipgoals. I'm going to finally heal from it all, marry my work, and overall be happier. When I do meet my next S.O. I will be financially stable, emotionally stable, have put myself out there, and my skin will be in significantly better condition. Good god. I will be a much healthier version of Just Jane. 

Morale of the story; Love yourself first.


"The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person-without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other because it is not given by the other."

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