Prom with Ciycay was indeed a magical experience. I Love events like these so much I'm going to be hosting one. A small mini-prom in my friend Haruka's yard. She didn't have the desire to go to her school prom but her parents wanted her to have that magical prom experience portrayed in coming of age movies. My solution to the problem was having our own mini-prom. This will be a new experience for me and in all honesty I'm terrified that I'll have expectations and then fail to meet those expectations. I've collaborated at Prescribing Happiness to put on small scale social events and faced this problem. Obnoxiously high expectations. Then again comparing a fundraiser and business exposure event to a miniature prom is like apples and oranges. I think this will be my chance to change and learn to let go of high expectations for myself. If anyone has had experience with this and has insightful advice I'd Love to hear it.
In other news I've crossed off two more movies on my watch list.
Love,Simon and Ladybird. The first time I saw the trailer for Love,Simon I felt a surge of happiness. Not because I read the book (I really should) but because I have finally lived to see a trailer for a modern coming of age LGBTQ film. Back when I was in high school I struggled to find LGBTQ films in general. Don't get me wrong 90's films were great and I would happily watch A Single Man again but I just couldn't relate to the main characters. Times have changed. In Love,Simon the people that matter have no problem accepting him for being gay but he struggles to understand and accept himself. It's a different battle then facing religion based prejudice or social norms dictated by society. An internal battle rather than an external battle. That is type of story I aspire to write.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, the next I'm at rock bottom."
This quote resonated with me on a spiritual level. There have been times where my life would feel like a continuous state of euphoria for at least a week and then the next thing I know I'm bawling my eyes out for reasons that don't make sense and I relapse into a seemingly never ending state of fluctuating misery. Then the cycle starts all over again.
Hours after watching the film I was inspired to take an old writing project based on my previous love life and shape it into a beautiful and inspiring coming of age story for teenagers.
Ladybird on the other hand was the mother daughter movie I needed. When I saw the trailer I thought this may be the best movie to watch with my own mother. Maybe we could both relate to the characters and the mother and daughter realize how much they truly love each other but constantly fail at expressing it. Like us. I chose not to watch it with her because she is avoiding "sad movies" for the sake of her mental health. Which is the opposite of what I do. When my mental health is at a dangerous low I seek out a movie I know will hit me with the feels and make me mouth-wide-open-gasp-for-breath-ugly cry. Two scenes in Ladybird did just that. Crying from a movie is a reminder that I'm capable of feeling. When I'm depressed it feels as though I'm incapable of feeling Love, sadness, authentic happiness, empathy, or anger. I feel nothing but numbness. Empathy and sadness are emotions powerful enough to break through to me.
Anyway this particular film captured a balance of wanting more out of life and selfishly taking what you have for granted. It made me realize that I have done both of these things. In my relationships I always end up seeking more attention and dangerously lean toward the toxicity of codependency but I fail to appreciate the attention and effort the other person puts in. I also need to work on listening and compassion and understanding how severely my depression can warp my perception of the other person's feelings towards me.
In the case of this film the mother had to work double shifts and miss out on seeing her daughter get ready for prom just to keep her in school, take in her son's girlfriend, and provide for her unemployed husband. Meanwhile the daughter wanted to leave the state, experience Love and sex, live in a lavish mansion, be popular, etc.
I think as time goes by these posts become more raw and vulnerable. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I have no doubt there is someone out there, maybe on the other side of the world who can relate. That's all for now. Stay tuned for another rollercoaster of emotions and sporadic updates.
-Just Jane
"Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness or sadness."
-Dionne Warwick
In other news I've crossed off two more movies on my watch list.
 |
| Love, Simon |
 |
| Ladybird |
"Sometimes I feel like I'm on a ferris wheel. One minute I'm on top of the world, the next I'm at rock bottom."
This quote resonated with me on a spiritual level. There have been times where my life would feel like a continuous state of euphoria for at least a week and then the next thing I know I'm bawling my eyes out for reasons that don't make sense and I relapse into a seemingly never ending state of fluctuating misery. Then the cycle starts all over again.
Hours after watching the film I was inspired to take an old writing project based on my previous love life and shape it into a beautiful and inspiring coming of age story for teenagers.
Ladybird on the other hand was the mother daughter movie I needed. When I saw the trailer I thought this may be the best movie to watch with my own mother. Maybe we could both relate to the characters and the mother and daughter realize how much they truly love each other but constantly fail at expressing it. Like us. I chose not to watch it with her because she is avoiding "sad movies" for the sake of her mental health. Which is the opposite of what I do. When my mental health is at a dangerous low I seek out a movie I know will hit me with the feels and make me mouth-wide-open-gasp-for-breath-ugly cry. Two scenes in Ladybird did just that. Crying from a movie is a reminder that I'm capable of feeling. When I'm depressed it feels as though I'm incapable of feeling Love, sadness, authentic happiness, empathy, or anger. I feel nothing but numbness. Empathy and sadness are emotions powerful enough to break through to me.
Anyway this particular film captured a balance of wanting more out of life and selfishly taking what you have for granted. It made me realize that I have done both of these things. In my relationships I always end up seeking more attention and dangerously lean toward the toxicity of codependency but I fail to appreciate the attention and effort the other person puts in. I also need to work on listening and compassion and understanding how severely my depression can warp my perception of the other person's feelings towards me.
In the case of this film the mother had to work double shifts and miss out on seeing her daughter get ready for prom just to keep her in school, take in her son's girlfriend, and provide for her unemployed husband. Meanwhile the daughter wanted to leave the state, experience Love and sex, live in a lavish mansion, be popular, etc.
I think as time goes by these posts become more raw and vulnerable. And you know what, I'm okay with that. I have no doubt there is someone out there, maybe on the other side of the world who can relate. That's all for now. Stay tuned for another rollercoaster of emotions and sporadic updates.
-Just Jane
"Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness or sadness."
-Dionne Warwick
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