And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how
Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall
-Oasis, Wonder Wall
I feel these lyrics describe both the end of the movie and my Valentine's Day Experience. For some reason I cannot fathom without time-travel, it was a tradition to write awful Valentine's day experiences on this blog. I may have deleted them but I have photographic memories of them somehow being written. Hmmm. Things have finally changed. This year I went into Valentine's day dropping expectations and allowing myself to drop the salty anti-valentine attitude (as fun as that is) just for once. The other 364 days of the year I can save anti-valentine cards and rant about the capitalistic origins of the so-called holiday.
At some point in the month I mentioned to Ciycay that I have never received roses & chocolate from a significant other. I didn't remember this, but apparently he did. We both gave each other chocolates and roses. However, the rose he gave me was chocolate. He pointed out that my scent is literally similar to that of a rose and I thought deeply about the import role the famous flower has played in my life. On my portfolio site you will find that roses are not only on the website itself but in my artwork as well. For those of you who have read all my novels you will notice a rose is mentioned at least once in all of them. That was not intentional. They're a part of me that I can barely explain. They're the only flower I know how to draw well and photograph well and their symbolism is constantly referenced in my art. However, I would not call them my favorite flower because they bring back memories of my days as a Thai dancer and my heart still aches from missing that time in my life and the people that were part of it. It is also too painful to go back.
Anyway, Ciycay took me to a fancy theater to watch a movie of my choosing. I've been dying to see The Greatest Showman since August. From the trailer I interpreted Hugh Jackman played a poor man who achieved his dream and the movie would obviously tell the story of how it happened and the obstacles he faced. And Zach Efron would be there too because if anyone knows how to put on a #EXTRA performance it's Troy Bolton. We went in and my head was swirling with thoughts of how perfect it was for Ciycay to bring me, a student majoring in film, to the movie theater of all places. I also had him keep my phone so I couldn't check it for messages. This way I could truly live in the moment. Best decision ever.
The film used the method where it starts at the end, and then rewinds to the beginning so you could pieces together how the characters reached that point and pulled it off very well by using scenes from a musical number. For some reason it didn't occur to me that the film was in fact a musical. Ciycay was not prepared for this either. He enjoys horror whereas I enjoy slice of life-inspirational-adventure. A musical was neither of those things but the song was catchy, the visuals were stunning, and the instant jump into excitement hyped us up. Neither of us were the type of people who would get emotionally invested enough in a film to want to shout at the characters. This one however, brought that out in us. I'm not going to spoil the scene with detail. Hugh Jackman (P.T. Barnum) had to make a decision that could potentially wreck his marriage. During the suspense leading up to said decision we were leaning forward and quietly whisper-shouting
"Don't you dare. Don't do it. Think about your wife! Get out of there! *Profanities*"
Then we were introduced to the plot's serious rising action that does affect Barnum's marriage. To which we gasped and whisper-shouted
"Nooooooooooo! you *profanities*"
Barnum's story arch hit where it hurt which was the reason it was easy to become emotionally invested in him as a character. He started out as a boy at the bottom of the social class which was expressed through the fact half of his foot was sticking out of his shoe and the disgust expressed by Charity's (His childhood female friend) wealthy father. Charity had an obnoxiously wealthy upbringing but the two ended up together which was expressed through quick paced musical numbers that traveled through the decades. He wanted the best for her and his daughters they later had. He wanted to give them everything he never had and kindle the fire that was their wildest dreams. Even after losing his job.
Halfway through the film Zach Efron (Philip Carlyle) instantly falls in Love with Zendaya (Anne Wheeler) She is a woman of color and he is white. When she told Zach she couldn't be with him even though she wanted to I interpreted it as a metaphor for racism and classism which was very different for the time period and is still relevant in some states. Zach had to make tough decisions and you will have to watch the film to see how their story ended but I interpreted that as Love proving to be a force capable of jumping over the hurdles of classism and racism.
Near the end the film touched the idea of how fame and fortune can lead to corruption and blindness which strongly affects the people you love the most. It resonated with my personal fear that fame could corrupt me to the point I would push away the CMMND SHFTS, Ciycay, every friend in my circle, my family, etc. Then I remembered I'm far from being famous and felt a strange rush of relief. The film ended on a positive note that eliminated the aforementioned fear, inspired me to pursue my dream of filmmaking for a living despite my financial situation, and reminiscence on fond childhood memories of stage performances before hormones kicked in and caused havoc.
In the car I went into depth about the difference between The Greatest Showman and La La Land as musical films. Although they were both about pursuing dreams and how that can push away your loved ones The Greatest Showman in my opinion had no song that was not catchy or inspirational in any way and each word was annunciated clearly. The beginning of each musical number except the grand opening began when the emotion of the scene was at its peak. Some characters even sang fragments of a song while in the midst of crying which made my eyes water. La La Land however, had a few catchy songs. One in particular Fools Who Dream I found to be catchy and inspirational but the rest of the songs I found to be quite bland and hard to understand without subtitles. Both films used iconic actors as lead roles but The Greatest Showman had stronger vocal performances. Zac Efron and Zendaya especially worked well together during a powerful duet because they both came from a Disney Channel background. I was shocked that Hugh Jackman could sing but then again I only knew his as Wolverine.
Afterwards Ciycay and I went home and continued the extravaganza adventure. I reflected on how blessed I was to have such a wonderful, old-school, romantic experience. Later in the night my eyes flooded with tears. I smiled because they were happy tears. I felt whole. I felt brave enough to face the infinite possibilities that lie ahead. Both the bad and the good. I finally understood what it meant for the feeling of home to be associated with a person instead of a place. What it felt like to be terrified but also anticipate what the future holds. What it felt like to get your deepest feelings off your chest despite the fear of judgement our conditioned brains are so used to. This sounds glittery and beautiful and like a fairy-tale but reader you must not take it out of context. One blog is not enough to explain the obstacles I overcame over time to get to that point. The journey of self discovery, of being comfortable in my own skin and accepting my own gender identity and sexual orientation, the countless times I lay awake at night wondering if I was just settling or if there was more to life out there. I believe I was overflowing with emotion because this happily ever after felt well-deserved. It felt like a hard earned break from over a decade of hardships. The experiences I had with past partners both the good and the bad were preparation for what is to come. And I am eternally grateful.
-JustJane
"The Noblest art is making others happy."
-P.T Barnum
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