Coincidentally last year around this time fate brought me to a film that helped me find my life purpose. The saying "History repeats itself" couldn't be more true.Last year it was To Write Love on Her Arms this year it was Loving Vincent, the world's first hand-painted film. Prior to watching Loving Vincent I reached a low point in my life and the suicidal thoughts crept back into the dark corners of my brain. To cope with this I drew a semi-colon on my wrist and thought of my Loved Ones. I thought of the legacy I had left and the people that need me today because of that legacy. I thought of the impact I have yet to leave on the world. Regardless, one suicidal thought is terrifying and the fear can become very real very fast.
A double date was scheduled for today. At first I was incredibly irritated by the sudden shift in plans. If you're going to change plans, do so a few days prior, not the morning of. Especially after a rough night. Loving Vincent was playing in the secondhand theater near my area and it just so happened to be the only movie that hadn't started when the four of us arrived. (Aliases: Princess & Wheels, Ciycay & I ) I had seen an ad for Loving Vincent on Facebook ages ago, the concept seemed cool. A hand-painted film about Vincent Van Gogh. Wasn't the type of movie any of us would usually watch (especially Princess) but it was worth a shot. A step outside the comfort zone.
The film opened with the most stunning credits I had ever seen. Visuals were spectacular, kudos to the 100 artists that contributed to each frame. The premise of the film was solving the mystery of Van Gogh's death. Essentially he either killed himself or was shot. The characters all agreed he was mad. To the onlookers he was perfectly fine. Happy, and pleasant. But underneath something dark and mysterious was happening and to me that is as close as you can get to defining the peculiar nature of mental health. I empathized with this concept on a spiritual level. His art was stunning but the inside of his head was a mess. He was however, highly intelligent but also lonely. At the end of his life he wondered if anyone would appreciate his work. The narrator also came to the conclusion Van Gogh felt he wasn't good enough for his family. And now 127 years later an entire film was painted in his style and his work inspires billions of artists around the world to pursue their own artistic journey.
I discussed this with Ciycay over warm peppermint tea. He pointed out that in this day and age there are communities of artists that give each other Love and support. As opposed to children throwing rocks at Van Gogh for painting in a field. I thought deeply about the legacy I want to leave as an artist and how my art is just fragments of my soul materialized into pen and ink. I later came to the conclusion there was a planned purpose behind seeing this film, right after hitting my lowest point. The universe works in strange ways to hint at what we're trying to find. Today I found hope that my struggle is necessary for the legacy I'll leave in x amount of time. I also found more validation about the seriousness and legitimacy of mental health.
In other news I have procrastinated on the goals mentioned in the last blog post. Instead I picked up an old manga project from 2009 and sculpted its cringy ideals into something truly beautiful. I started and finished a record-breaking 20 drawings, 12 of which were completed in two days. My singing has vastly improved and the CMMND SHFTS got together for a band night out.
All in all despite the dark days and the omnipotent underlying fears and insecurities in the back of my mind I can say life is going well and I am grateful for that.
-Just Jane
"What am I in the eyes of most people - a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person - somebody who has no position ins society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then - even if that wee absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything,based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum."
-Vincent Van Gogh
A double date was scheduled for today. At first I was incredibly irritated by the sudden shift in plans. If you're going to change plans, do so a few days prior, not the morning of. Especially after a rough night. Loving Vincent was playing in the secondhand theater near my area and it just so happened to be the only movie that hadn't started when the four of us arrived. (Aliases: Princess & Wheels, Ciycay & I ) I had seen an ad for Loving Vincent on Facebook ages ago, the concept seemed cool. A hand-painted film about Vincent Van Gogh. Wasn't the type of movie any of us would usually watch (especially Princess) but it was worth a shot. A step outside the comfort zone.
The film opened with the most stunning credits I had ever seen. Visuals were spectacular, kudos to the 100 artists that contributed to each frame. The premise of the film was solving the mystery of Van Gogh's death. Essentially he either killed himself or was shot. The characters all agreed he was mad. To the onlookers he was perfectly fine. Happy, and pleasant. But underneath something dark and mysterious was happening and to me that is as close as you can get to defining the peculiar nature of mental health. I empathized with this concept on a spiritual level. His art was stunning but the inside of his head was a mess. He was however, highly intelligent but also lonely. At the end of his life he wondered if anyone would appreciate his work. The narrator also came to the conclusion Van Gogh felt he wasn't good enough for his family. And now 127 years later an entire film was painted in his style and his work inspires billions of artists around the world to pursue their own artistic journey.
I discussed this with Ciycay over warm peppermint tea. He pointed out that in this day and age there are communities of artists that give each other Love and support. As opposed to children throwing rocks at Van Gogh for painting in a field. I thought deeply about the legacy I want to leave as an artist and how my art is just fragments of my soul materialized into pen and ink. I later came to the conclusion there was a planned purpose behind seeing this film, right after hitting my lowest point. The universe works in strange ways to hint at what we're trying to find. Today I found hope that my struggle is necessary for the legacy I'll leave in x amount of time. I also found more validation about the seriousness and legitimacy of mental health.
In other news I have procrastinated on the goals mentioned in the last blog post. Instead I picked up an old manga project from 2009 and sculpted its cringy ideals into something truly beautiful. I started and finished a record-breaking 20 drawings, 12 of which were completed in two days. My singing has vastly improved and the CMMND SHFTS got together for a band night out.
All in all despite the dark days and the omnipotent underlying fears and insecurities in the back of my mind I can say life is going well and I am grateful for that.
-Just Jane
"What am I in the eyes of most people - a nonentity, an eccentric, or an unpleasant person - somebody who has no position ins society and will never have; in short, the lowest of the low. All right, then - even if that wee absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart. That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love in spite of everything,based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion. Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum."
-Vincent Van Gogh
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