I'm Both Motivated and Terrified

On the off chance anyone read my last post I enjoyed Sakuracon. However if I were a 2018 "story time" youtuber I would make a video and caption it something along the lines of "The time I almost died at con (Not clickbait)" What actually happened was; my throat felt a little itchy on Friday and I took two cough drops that were best by 2014 (Obviously I did not know this until afterwards) and slowly started to lose my voice. After an enchanting night at the masquerade ball with Ciycay I felt overheated, threw up a little, the world started spinning, and Ciycay tucked me into bed and listened to me ramble on about deep emotional pain that seemed to have come out of nowhere. I made a speedy recovery in order to make it to the photoshoot on Saturday and tried my best to spend time with my completely separate friend groups that didn't know each other. Then as one large group we all went to dinner at fancy restaurant. After we were all seated as a large two part party we quickly learned the prices were borderline unaffordable. Ciycay and I shared spaghetti to fulfill the lady and the tramp fantasy (minus the kissing part because the lady was coughing up a storm and downing burning hot tea) everyone else split either an appetizer or a cheaper meal and we all laughed at memes. 

After dinner Ciycay and I went back to the hotel to get ready for the rave. I had just enough energy and we went all out with a purchase of adult light-up shoes. We covered our faces in unicorn snot (Basically high end body glitter) turned on our shoes, and headed out for the night. The rave was almost as fantastic as we had hoped. I would've enjoyed it more if I had not been sick (obviously) the crowd was fantastic and the complimentary AMVs were probably nice to look at. I don't wear glasses during raves so everything is kind of an attractive blur. We headed back to the hotel and realized we lost our keys. We ended up getting new ones at the front desk at the hotel. To this day I'm still puzzled by the fact Ciycay said 
"We lost our keys." Implying the two of us have lost two separate hotel keys and needed two replacements. We were given one. Anyway because we had roommates we picked up hotel keys for them as well and made a note to tell them what happened so they don't try to get back into the room with deactivated key cards. I imagined that would've been stressful. When we returned to the hotel we were starving. I decided we should eat our leftover sandwiches (Thank you Subway) in the bathroom because of the nearly soundproof door. This way we wouldn't annoy our sleeping roommates with the obnoxiously loud sound of crinkling paper. I loathe the sound so much.

The last day of con was much more calm. Ciycay and I purchased obnoxiously cute plushies, took photos together at the photo booth, and his mom picked us up and I returned home to continuous stress. During con and during the ride home I thought deeply about how blessed I am to be surrounded by such loving and caring friends and to have a partner so devoted and willing to go the extra mile out of Love. Unfortunately the dark corners of my mind can't help but occasionally question whether or not I am truly worthy of such a blessing and whether or not I am giving back enough in return. It is too easy to think that I'm not. I also question the impact these thoughts have on my relationships with friends and significant others. These types of dark thoughts don't disappear after hearing a reassuring sentence. They fade in and out of my brain and occur at the most inconvenient times. They're a part of me I don't know how to edit or delete and their existence cannot be explained. At least not by me. 

Detailed description of my depression aside it is now April and life is moving forward. Pseudo summer is here (Pseudo summer; when every other day is warm and full of sunshine which gives you the illusion it's summer. Then the clouds roll in to remind you summer is in the near future.) A few days ago I went to an art store with some friends and ended up purchasing a .03 mechanical pencil which I did not know existed prior to entering the store. I also purchased a thick brush with bristles as soft as a cloud, and larger pencil case. I then proceeded to post my art on Instagram (@JanejiraDraws)and put my social media marketing skills to the test.

As the title of this post mentioned I am indeed both motivated and terrified. I am truly terrified of what the future holds because in reality jobs in the creative field are unpredictable. I'll either have more work than I can handle or barely make enough to cover one out of a billion bills. The list of tasks I need to do by August is immense when I think about it in depth (Which I shouldn't do if I want to avoid stress) I want to believe that my books will sell, that I will sell really nice photography prints, that my future patreon will be a success, my webcomic will have over 100k readers, that I will have enough financial stability to fund my hobbies and middle class living expenses, I want to believe that everything is going to be spectacular but deep down I am terrified. I don't know what's going to happen next or how I will feel if everything ends up falling flat. I don't know how I'll handle the success if everything does go well. I'm motivated to move forward and terrified of what the end result will be. However fear is not enough to stop me. 

-Just Jane

"No tears for the writer, no tears for the reader. No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader."
-Robert Frost

My First Time at Everfree

Yes I'm a fan of My Little Pony y'all can judge I do not care. This year I stumbled upon an ad on Facebook for Everfree's Grand Galloping Gala. I am a person who enjoys both dances and dressing up so I figured, hey why not? Life is so short it's essential to live it to the fullest. Due to my anxiety the fear of going alone was overwhelming so I invited a friend who was a little bit familiar with the franchise. She's never been to a convention so I figured it'd be a new experience for both of us, for different reasons. A couple months before said convention I met her best friend and invited her to come to the convention with us because hey, the more the merrier. My group, or herd as I called it, increased to a total of three. 

After Sakuracon I started working on my cosplay (Rarity) and my passion for cosplay continued to flourish rapidly. Fluttershy is my favorite and my personality is the most like hers but a design idea for Rarity came rushing to me like a meteor crashing through a roof. A couple weeks before con my best friend and a brotherly friend purchased their badges for Everfree and the herd increased to five people. One of the girls has a counselor whose daughter loves My Little Pony but hasn't found any other Bronies. I contacted her as fast as humanly possible, and added her to the herd. We had a full party of six. I've been the president of two school clubs before (at the same time) so I figured this challenge would be a piece of cake. As usual I was quite wrong. 

The con-crunch was real. Con-crunch is the week before the convention when the stress is at its peak. Cosplays still need work, something you ordered hasn't come in the mail yet, packing still needs to be done, transportation still needs to be arranged, funds need to be counted and or calculated, procrastination at its finest basically. I did enjoy helping the others with their cosplays. Making cutie marks, gluing and painting the ears, styling all the wigs, advice and input on dresses and particular shades, it was sort of a satisfying rush. Sometimes I think I enjoy stress in this weird way that I can barely explain. 

The first day of con the herd only consisted of three. My best friend, my brotherly friend, and I. No problem. The three of us have gone to Sakuracon as a group before and we ran the clubs together back in high school. My anxiety was still all over the place but if it weren't for them I probably would have skipped the first day altogether. What surprised me the most when we got there was the amount of adults. And I mean the full spectrum of adults. Parents, elders, young adults, you name it. For every 200 adults (Rough estimate) there was one small child. I wanted more than anything to bring my mom and show her this amazing phenomenon. 

"One of my favorite things about this show is that it brings together this whole community"- My best friend said after a panel. 

I nodded in agreement. I met with other writers/artists, spoke to famous youtubers Dr.Wolf and SilverQuill, attended panels with the directors and some voice actors, never in my life did I ever think I would get to meet in person the director of a franchise that brought together generations of fans. I was walking on cloud nine in my sparkly heels for the rest of the night. 

Later in the evening I was a little early for a panel and a gentleman, for privacy reasons I'm calling him Gray, asked to take my picture. Rarity is his favorite out of the Mane Six. We sat down and chatted for several hours (ended up ditching the panel) and we shared our life stories. In a surprising turn of events he stumbled upon my Facebook ad for Prescribing Happiness. I talked a little more about this in the Prescribing Happiness blog. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. 

The next day of con I had the whole herd meet at the house. Doing make-up for three people, re-styling two wigs, packing sandwiches, and keeping my easily distracted/forgetful self in check was significantly more stressful than I imagined it would be. (Note: This was all done in less than an hour) Looking back I realize I put a lot of pressure on myself, expecting perfect organization and experienced leadership when really I needed a lot of help. But me being me, (Hence the title of this blog haha) asking for help is something I need to work on. Finally we headed out and I remembered to breathe. At the convention we grouped up and split up and grouped up and split up and so on. Everyone had a great time. The anxiety within told me that I was doing an awful job as herd leader but the positivity within pointed out that I came incredibly far. From timid girl in the back of the class who was once mistaken for being mute to leader of a party of six for a convention I've never been to I was doing alright. No one was hurt (My toes were dead the next morning though) Everyone was well fed (There was even food left over). And everyone made it home safely. That, and everyone made at least two new friends. 

Saturday seemed to be the most popular day to attend con. There were more kids and teens and the amount of people cosplaying tripled. Cosplay is a hobby for all ages including itty bitty children. There was a little girl, probably old enough to be in kindergarten, who was also cosplaying Rarity. She looked up at me with wide eyes and said;

"You're me." 

and that is forever going to be one of my most precious memories. As an adult, bringing your favorite characters to life and being in the cosplay is one thing but as a small child who still has high hopes, big dreams, and is easily impressionable, seeing a character you look up to or relate to on a spiritual level being brought to life right before your eyes is a whole different story. 

As I mentioned before it was the Grand Galloping Gala that convinced me to attend con and take this chance. If you are a member of the Everfree staff and you are reading this PLEASE make sure there is a bag check next year or the following years. Not everyone is able to afford a hotel room and you know that everyone is going to purchase at least one fairly large item at the vendor's hall. 

We were lucky enough that one of our new friends happened to have a hotel room and was so kind as to let us store our bags (and a scooter) there. I put the gentlemen in our group in charge of keeping track of the time on their phones. (Don't get me started on the luxury of pockets) 

Anyway the Gala was grand and I enjoyed losing myself in the music and dancing until my feet couldn't take it. As sappy and clichè as it sounds what made the Gala grand was not the dance but the people I danced with. Magic of Friendship etc. etc. 

In conclusion I'm definitely attending Everfree annually. 

-Just Jane

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 

'What! You too? I thought I was the only one"

-CS Lewis